four cups obesity, four cups social anxiety.
I am a clinically obese person. I weigh more than 150 pounds—ashamed, but too unproductive to fix it. Just by looking at me, you would know that I am obese. I don't eat a lot (anymore), mostly because it makes myself cringe when I see myself eating anything. I do not like wearing revealing clothes. I can only wear skirts that are two inches above the knee and dark-colored skinny jeans. Wearing shorts or anything revealing would be my death wish. It's hard to be unattractive and to have social anxiety. The amount of imaginary criticisms that you get on a daily basis can drown out any remaining positivity that you have. You can't do anything to stop it either because unless you do something about your weight, you stay deluded and on watch for possible criticisms about just about anything that you do.
I've been getting comments about my weight since forever—it actually became a part of my childhood because it started ever since I knew how to walk. I was raised fat and I was hated for it. Maybe it's because of the type of family that I grew up in. The people from my father's side aren't the most gentle when it comes to greetings and they would just point out what they see in you, they wouldn't try to be gentle about it either. It's not that I hate them for that, of course they wouldn't know it because they aren't the ones who are experiencing it. They think it's the easiest thing in the world to discipline yourself after years of being used to that lifestyle and not being shamed for it. But, anyway, it's not just the aunt's and uncles who comment that way. Actually, the main suspect is my dad. I don't want to shame him for it either, because he actually managed to lose weight. The criticism is coming from a person who got away from that phase, but it still has that same punch when he comments to about my appearance.
I don't like being fat in places where you're supposed to be thin like a small elevator filled with people who are skinnier than you, like church pews that need one person more to reach its capacity, a fancy restaurant where food is served in a size of a thimble, or where you're expected to eat in portions that are a size of a thimble, etcetera. It's a burdening thing, but it will take me more than half a year to lose these burdensome fats. There was this one time where we were at a church and the people assigned us to sit on the pews by fours. So there were two skinny people, one slightly less skinny person, and there was I. Since the slightly more skinny girl and I wore these dresses that was made out of that cloth, it made my size one millimeter thicker. Every time we were told to sit down, it would take me two seconds more to sit down because I would ask the people beside me to move and to provide more space for me. That day was the worst, that honestly embarrassed the crap out of me. I would pay a good price to not relive that again. I do not like being a hassle to deal with. I want to be the most decent in the room. But, when you have a body that is abnormally large and prone to sicknesses, it really makes it harder for you to achieve that goal. I'm also conscious about things that aren't even caused by obesity. I'm really conscious of being gassy, having a grumbly tummy, burping, coughing, the sound my thigh makes when I slap it; basically, normal things. I don't know why, I find it gross when the sounds are coming from me. For everyone else, I'll see it as normal, but once it comes to me, I'm super concerned about it. I know it doesn't come with obesity, that everyone experiences it once in a while, but with the mindset that I have, I see it as failure.
I don't know. This is the main reason why I loathe myself. I wouldn't care if I wouldn't in the honor's list, at least I'd be attractive. I have no one to blame other that myself. I am a fat piece of garbage that can't grow out of her disgusting eating habits.
But, who knows, maybe the grace of a nonexistent god will help me soon.
I've been getting comments about my weight since forever—it actually became a part of my childhood because it started ever since I knew how to walk. I was raised fat and I was hated for it. Maybe it's because of the type of family that I grew up in. The people from my father's side aren't the most gentle when it comes to greetings and they would just point out what they see in you, they wouldn't try to be gentle about it either. It's not that I hate them for that, of course they wouldn't know it because they aren't the ones who are experiencing it. They think it's the easiest thing in the world to discipline yourself after years of being used to that lifestyle and not being shamed for it. But, anyway, it's not just the aunt's and uncles who comment that way. Actually, the main suspect is my dad. I don't want to shame him for it either, because he actually managed to lose weight. The criticism is coming from a person who got away from that phase, but it still has that same punch when he comments to about my appearance.
I don't like being fat in places where you're supposed to be thin like a small elevator filled with people who are skinnier than you, like church pews that need one person more to reach its capacity, a fancy restaurant where food is served in a size of a thimble, or where you're expected to eat in portions that are a size of a thimble, etcetera. It's a burdening thing, but it will take me more than half a year to lose these burdensome fats. There was this one time where we were at a church and the people assigned us to sit on the pews by fours. So there were two skinny people, one slightly less skinny person, and there was I. Since the slightly more skinny girl and I wore these dresses that was made out of that cloth, it made my size one millimeter thicker. Every time we were told to sit down, it would take me two seconds more to sit down because I would ask the people beside me to move and to provide more space for me. That day was the worst, that honestly embarrassed the crap out of me. I would pay a good price to not relive that again. I do not like being a hassle to deal with. I want to be the most decent in the room. But, when you have a body that is abnormally large and prone to sicknesses, it really makes it harder for you to achieve that goal. I'm also conscious about things that aren't even caused by obesity. I'm really conscious of being gassy, having a grumbly tummy, burping, coughing, the sound my thigh makes when I slap it; basically, normal things. I don't know why, I find it gross when the sounds are coming from me. For everyone else, I'll see it as normal, but once it comes to me, I'm super concerned about it. I know it doesn't come with obesity, that everyone experiences it once in a while, but with the mindset that I have, I see it as failure.
I don't know. This is the main reason why I loathe myself. I wouldn't care if I wouldn't in the honor's list, at least I'd be attractive. I have no one to blame other that myself. I am a fat piece of garbage that can't grow out of her disgusting eating habits.
But, who knows, maybe the grace of a nonexistent god will help me soon.
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